When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. – Alexander Graham Bell
I strongly believe that people do not enter our life by chance – there’s a purpose for everyone we cross paths with. There’s always a lesson to be learned in relationships – sometimes people connect with our lives to teach us, sometimes we are the ones who serve as the lesson for someone else.
As painful as it can be to have someone leave your life, it’s important to seek out that lesson and apply it to the next relationship that comes around.
Turning the pain of heartbreak into clarity
When I decided I wanted to manifest my soulmate, the first thing I did was write out a very detailed and specific list of exactly what I wanted him to be.
His physical attributes – everything from his height to his eye colour. His personality, his lifestyle – even what his family and friends are like.
I wrote about how our relationship would be, what we’d do together, how we’d communicate with each other, and most importantly, I wrote about how we’d make each other feel. I wrote it all out in the present tense – not ‘I want’, but ‘he is’.
Every time a man enters my life, if it doesn’t work out, I revise that list. I add the qualities I liked about that person if they weren’t on the list already. If there’s anything I didn’t like about that person – for example, if the person turned out to be immature – I add the opposite quality, mature, to my list to ensure I don’t attract someone who is immature again.
This is a powerful exercise because it helps you to see the clarity that a failed relationship can bring.
There are qualities I would never have considered putting on that list until I experienced how I felt with someone who had them. This list exercise helped me to clarify what is really important to me in a relationship, and discover things I didn’t even know were important to me.
So now it’s your turn.
Make a detailed list of exactly what you want in a friend or partner and how your relationship with them should be. As the universe presents different options to you and they don’t work out, revise your list. Every relationship failure gives you more clarity on what you do want. As you discover them, add those things to your list.
Have faith in your list. It really works!
Relationships are about two people and that other person will always have their own perspective on what went wrong. It can be hard to see that when we’re hurting.
But self-reflection always helps me move forward by allowing me to see the situation from all angles and understand it better.
Even if you’ve done nothing wrong, ask yourself this:
Did you do right by yourself?
In the past, I claimed to know exactly how I wanted to be treated whilst simultaneously settling for less.
I’ve walked away from people, but only after staying for much longer than I should have.
I’ve been frustrated because people’s actions weren’t matching their words in regards to how they treated me, but mine weren’t either.
I was requesting to be treated a certain way – the way I deserved – yet sticking around, even though that request wasn’t being met.
Without self-reflection and considering my part in what went wrong, I never would have discovered this and probably would have gone on to continue that behaviour in future relationships.
This isn’t blaming yourself or beating yourself up – this is looking at your behaviour and seeing where you can make improvements for the future.
Self-reflection entails asking yourself questions about your values, assessing your strengths and failures, thinking about your perceptions and interactions with others, and imagining where you want to take your life in the future. – Bob Rosen
Pamper yourself and make sure you look good
We all hate to admit, but going through heartbreak can make us feel a little sorry for ourselves.
‘Why does this keep happening to me?’ ‘What did I do to deserve this?’
That kind of thing.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve been hurt. You know you’re a good person that deserves an amazing love, and it’s not fair.
Be kind to yourself. When someone else’s love has been ripped away from you, replenish that with your own love.
Treat yourself to a face mask, have a long, hot bubble bath, paint your nails, get a haircut, do anything that’s going make you feel fresh and look good.
This next part is important.
I know it can be tempting to veg out and make no effort when your heart is broken. You think things like – why bother with hair and make-up when I have no-one to impress anymore? Right?
Except you do have someone to impress.
Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s right now. When you’re dealing with a breakup, it’s not unusual for your confidence to take a big hit. So, you need to make sure that you like what you see when you look in the mirror.
In fact – every time you look in the mirror, it should be a reminder of what a catch you are and how crazy that person was to let you go.
Of course, love is not all about looks or physical attraction but I do believe that when you feel you look good on the outside, that prompts a powerful response from the inside.
Confidence is key, and you need a lot of it to recover from heartbreak.
So, don’t let your routine slip. Get up, shower, and do yourself up until you like what you see staring back at you in the mirror.
Give yourself time to heal
Healing time will vary from person to person and situation – the relationship that’s ended will have a lot to do with how long it takes to heal from it.
I know that during the end of a relationship, there is a lot of emotion and it can feel like you’re never going to feel better.
You will probably find that you’ll want to spend a period of time in bed or on the sofa, doing nothing but crying, eating chocolate and watching Netflix. It doesn’t sound like the most productive advice but I say give yourself that time!
It’s like training your muscles: you stress them with heavy weight and then they inevitably get sore. You can’t train those muscles again for a period of time because they need to rest and recover. Sometimes, our healing works the same way. A little downtime is so necessary to heal and come back stronger.
Understand how the universe works
We’ve come full circle – because understanding this about relationships is the key to healing from heartbreak:
Relationships help us to learn, grow and evolve.
Relationships teach us about others, and they teach us about ourselves. They bring us clarity on what we do and don’t want.
There is a lesson in every relationship we have, whether that’s platonic or romantic.
And sometimes, when that lesson is learned and that person no longer serves a purpose – they’ve got to go so we can have room in our lives for the next relationship and the next big lesson.
If we’re not recognizing or accepting that it’s time to let a relationship go, the universe will eventually step in and remove that person for us.
When we’re not ready for a relationship to end – that is the most painful thing ever.
But the universe knows what and who is best for us. We might be holding on to someone and blocking ourselves from someone who could make us 1000x happier than that person ever did.
As hard as it can be during times of heartbreak – we have to know that it’s happening for a reason. It’s teaching us something and the sooner we stop resisting and start accepting, the faster we’ll move on and discover what’s really meant for us.